It is not what you think it is!

A Special girl means different, isolated which means excluded, unhuman which leads to suicidal, weak, invisible then forgotten!

Thats how i see my ending everytime someone tells me « you are special »that sentense terrifies me the most ,a vision runs in my head immediately of me in a dark room with a very small hole in one of the walls reminding me that there is light outside and that I am not blessed enough to feel it or walk toward it ,i have always wondered what comes after it ,beautiful monsters ?,good evil ?,loving hate ?,white black or blue black ?,i can’t deferenciate colors anymore,why do they even exist ?,one day a teacher asked us « what is the color of happiness to you ? »i took that question very seriously because i stared deeply in the cloudy sky and said « blueee Sir ,bluee !!! » i laughed when some of the girls said “pink” with her pinky little voice ,i wish blue was the color of love too,i would not hide from it like i do now from the red love ,bloody red,bloody love,my eyes were focused on the blue sky when a men , started looking at me with bloody loving eyes ,sucking the plaisir out of me like an empty praise,felt like a zombie with a stripped vigina ,not a girl ,neither a women , just a vision sculpted by the forces of nature and biopolitics ,throwing my self in the nothingness,claiming my portion of pain everyday in the eyes of man like it is a kind of drug ,witnessing the emptiness transform itself to an art of illusin covered by lies and ego ,looking for signs like my life depends on it but nothing comes out,life is ignoring me ,marginalizing my existence but rewards me with pain everytime i think i am forgotten,my heart wants to get red of me as if i am the burden not him ,years of distraction until he convinced me that chaos is the golden gate and silence is the devil !when they name me ,they didn’t choose a name based on my personnality ,they choose it based on my gender first !